Writing my words

I realize I have not been writing here for a while, but that is because I’m a pretty big mess right now and there’s just not much about it that I’d like to share. In the last two and a half weeks there have been some issues to juggle and one huge obstacle to conquer (which I did, and can’t believe that I did!).  I know that’s all vague sounding, it’s just that I’m not ready to write about those things in this space.

Writing in general has totally been helping me, though.  I’ve been using a private space to journal daily – it’s called 750Words.  Basically it’s a space to “unload” your thoughts and to get in the habit of writing daily.  It has been tremendously helpful for me – I’ve used it to journal my feelings, document my process, take notes on things I’m studying, etc.  It also kind of has a community feel to it as well – even though my writing is completely private, the site rewards you for writing for certain lengths of time (days), and cheers you on, etc.  Some days it’s super hard to come with 750 words, and other days I have to force myself to wrap it up waaaaay past the 750 words.

When I’m in a healthier space I’ll be back to share more.  There are ups and downs, such is life.   I can’t wait to fast forward to a few months from now when there are way more ups than downs.  You’ll be there to high five me, right?

Letting go

And LET GO already.

This week has been challenging.  While I’ve been spending time on the steps I need to do to get better physically, I’ve also been focusing quite a bit of time on my mental health.  As I’ve said earlier, I truly believe that a lot of what’s going on inside my head is contributing to my physical ailments.

Reading and studying have been very beneficial to me, but it’s also given me some tremendous “ah-ha!” moments that have been a tad overwhelming.  Sometimes we KNOW what’s out of synch in our lives, but actually FACING them can be much harder than just letting them fester in the background.

I’d say this week I’m learning a lot about “letting go”.  As I featured in my previous post, I just finished a book called “The Gifts of Imperfection” and whoo-doggie did I relate to a lot of the material.  I realized that I don’t strive for “perfection” in all that I do as much as I strive for a sense of “belonging” and that I’m too worried about what other people think of me.  Those are deep-rooted issues that I’ve struggled with for years, so actually taking a look at them was quite painful at times.

I’m also working on my thought process – realizing this week that a lot of the thoughts I have been having over the past several months (and years, really) have not been kind to myself or my body.  That in it of itself has been a huge hurdle to try to correct, but it’s been uplifting to see that it’s possible.

What I’m really hearing my body say is “let go”.

I have been so frustrated over the past few weeks with my healing process.  On most days, I do the steps I need to heal and when I don’t see immediate results (relief from the physical symptoms), I get very impatient.

What I need to remember is that I definitely didn’t get this sick overnight – it’s been a long, slow progression.  So, it’s definitely not going to go away overnight.   Even though in my mind I am MORE than ready to be healthy, my body is taking a bit more time to get the message.

I’m letting go.

I’m doing that by not being afraid to share my challenges here (which:  SCARY).

I’m doing that by giving my body a chance to get better without me yelling at it.

I’m doing that by replacing the beat-me-up thoughts with lift-me-up thoughts.

I’m even doing it this morning by allowing the AT&T Guy into our super messy master bedroom closet today to fix our router.  Whereas I’d normally set to work on cleaning it up as much as possible on such short notice (we booked the appointment last night),  I asked myself, “Uh, what do I care if the AT&T Guy sees our messy closet?”.  And so I “let go” and let him in without even a wince or apology.

I truly believe that once I truly let go, things will fall into place.  I just need to be okay with the waiting.  And to know that once I clean up the mental gunk, the body will follow.  I can do this, I know it.

Do you have any advice or experience with letting go that you’d like to share?  I’d love to hear it!

The Gifts of Imperfection

Whoo-doggie did I need this book right now.

 

Studying some of the areas I’m working on in my mental health has been pretty eye opening.  Dr. Brene Brown’s book is amazing because she explains so clearly why we think we’re supposed to be something that we’re not.  And she weaves you through the process of letting go of the “gunk” that’s holding us back.

My favorite parts:

D.I.G Deep:

D = DELIBERATE:  Get deliberate in your thoughts and beliefs – through prayer, meditation, or simply setting intentions.

I = INSPIRED:  Get inspired to make new and different choices.

G= GOING:  Take action.

Dig Deep — get deliberate, inspired and going. When procrastination attacks: Prayerfully, intentionally and thoughtfully do something restorative.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene’s definition of compassion: feeling totally exposed and completely loved and accepted at the same time.

We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame.

In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face to face with the people we care about.

Giving and receiving: Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to giving help.

Living a “wholehearted life”: The Wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance. It’s a path of consciousness and choice. And, to be honest, it’s a little counterculture. The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly. To practice courage, compassion and connection is to look at life and the people around us, and say, “I’m all in.”

When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving.

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.

When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think “This is supposed to be easy; it’s not worth the effort”, or “This should be easier: it’s only hard and slow and I’m not good at it. Hopeful self-talk sounds more like, “This is tough, but I can do it.”

 

 

Meal Planning

One of the first steps I had to take when I was diagnosed with my chronic condition in May was to overhaul my diet – immediately, which I began on day one.   Because I was unfamiliar with the condition, I had to hobble through figuring out what was okay to eat and what was not, and it’s still a bit of a learning process.

Something I started this week is meal planning.  I got the idea from blogger Helen Jane (who makes very creative menus!). I did some research on “my condition” friendly recipes that are anything other than a protein and salad – pretty much what my meals over the past few months have been.  I was relieved to find some good ones, and I’m also happy to be back in the kitchen cooking (even though most of the time I have to force myself; it can be exhausting at times).

This week’s menu. P.S.: The cartoon at the top says, “When life gives you lemons, just add vodka” – adorable gift from my sister.

One great about having a menu planned out is that my husband knows what we’re having for dinner that night.  Does anyone else have a spouse who asks you what’s for dinner at 7:30 a.m., while you’re only just barely coherent enough to maneuver through making your morning coffee?

Next time I won’t assign dates to things, but rather make a list of meal options for the week – we weren’t able to stick to the date due to shopping snafus and schedule changes, but I did make everything on this list.

Turkey chili. SO good, and so filling.

 

Chicken Posole – this is my new favorite and I plan to eat it all winter long. Spicy chicken stew that when you add a squeeze of lime and a couple sprigs of cilantro becomes magical.

 

Peppers stuffed with sausage. We couldn’t find cubanella peppers, but these were a great stand in.

 

 

What about you?  Do you do any meal planning?  Does it help?

Thank you to my sweet friend Ryan (Birthday Boy!) for sharing this with me today. This is a powerful story of what it means to be vulnerable and what can happen when we turn our last days (and the story of our lives) into something meaningful.